Starry Starry Night
by RocketFAN
Summary: OneShot: Movie verse My idea of why Jeff pushes John away so much. Works for TV verse, too. Kind of crappy, sorry...


**Starry Starry night**

**By RocketFAN**

**OneShot****: Movie verse**

Night time on Tracy Island. The stars shone high in the north pacific sky. A peaceful tranquility that John Tracy so rarely got to experience. He was usually too exhausted to enjoy his first nights home from Thunderbird 5, but this time, the "space lag" seemed minimal. He sat on the balcony facing the ocean and glanced at his watch, it was a few minutes past midnight. About a half hour past when he heard someone in the lounge behind him.

"John?" Jeff's voice was soft, yet still strong.

"Dad? What are you doing up?" John asked his father as he joined him on the balcony.

"I noticed that the sliding door was open," Jeff replied in a more audible voice.

"Oh… I was just… uh… enjoying being on land," John said with a nervous laugh. Jeff was used to John retreating to isolation and often wondered why he did so. And figured now was as good as time as any to find out.

"Sit down, son," Jeff told him while sitting on the bench and motioning John to sit next him. John sat down hesitantly next to his father while a nervous knot formed in his stomach. He wasn't used to talking to his father face to face, let alone 6 inches from him. "Why are you always so distant, John?" Jeff kind of blurted out the question unintentionally.

"Am I distant?" John's reaction to the question was not exactly what Jeff expected.

"Well… yeah. You always retreat to somewhere you can't easily be found when your home. You've been home for three days and this is the first time I've really seen you," Jeff said softly while taking his son's hand and grasping it lightly, a bold move to make with John, who always seemed "allergic" to the human touch and usually pulled away quickly, except for this time, where he actually embraced the affection from his father. John was quiet for a moment. He appeared saddened by what Jeff had just said.

"I… I never thought you wanted me around," he replied softly, his voice breaking slightly. Jeff's reaction was of complete surprise.

"What would make you think that?" Jeff asked him while subconsciously tightening the grip on his son's hand.

"Dad… do we really have to talk about this right now?" John asked him through clenched teeth while fighting back tears as hard as he could. Jeff could see the pain in John's eyes and pulled his son into the tightest hug he could.

"I'm sorry, John," Jeff's voice faltered as he felt John's warm tears splashing on his arm. "I love you so much and always want you around," his voice was a little stronger, but still rimmed with emotion. John choked on a sharp sob as he dug his face into Jeff's chest, unwilling to face him in this state.

"John…? Will you talk to me, please?" Jeff asked him while trying to get his quiet son to open up to him. John finally mustered up the courage to face Jeff and did so very slowly. His deep blue eyes were reddened from the tears that continued to fall from them as he hesitantly looked Jeff in his.

"Okay…," he surrendered softly.

"Why do you think I don't want you around?" Jeff asked his son again. John sniffled hard, trying to push his emotion back down so he could answer the question without bursting into tears again.

"I… I always felt like I was in your way," John replied while shaking his head lightly. "You never acknowledge me when I'm around. It makes me feel like I'm invisible or something," John poured his heart out as Jeff took it all in. The two were silent for a few moments until Jeff spoke again.

"It's hard for me… to even look at you sometimes. You look so much like your mother… it's… it's scary," Jeff explained. It was the first time he ever told John the truth about why he pushed him away so much. "All your brothers look like me, but not you… you have your mother's eyes... her hair… everything…, and it reminds me too much of what I lost," Jeff said while a few tears escaped his eyes. While a light bulb seemed to go off in John's head, it made perfect sense. Jeff Tracy loved his wife so madly; he rarely spoke of her, he couldn't handle anything that reminded him of her, especially her spitting image: John.

"Oh, my God…," John whispered almost inaudibly. "Why didn't you ever tell me this?" He asked his father pleadingly while trying to keep his voice down.

"I never thought I'd be able to," Jeff replied while wiping the stray tears from his eyes and trying to get his emotions under control. "I'm sorry," he told John again.

"It's okay, dad. I understand completely. I just wish you would appreciate my resemblance to mom instead of scolding me for it," John said in a pained voice. "I can't help I look like her…," he said helplessly. Jeff had never worse for John than he did at that moment. He realized he had been neglecting his son all his life for something that wasn't even his fault. All the pain he had caused him for taking after his mother too much, made him feel like the worst father in the world!

"I never want you to feel that I don't want you around, John. You boys are everything to me, my whole world. And I thank God for each and every one of you every day. And every time I look at you, I see the person who gave me my world. You are your mother, John, and I love you more than you could ever imagine. And not because you remind me of her, but because you remind me of you," Jeff said while tenderly stroking John's face, which was still damp from his tears.

"I love you too, dad," John choked out while throwing his arms around his father and hugging him tight.

**_Now I understand_**

**_What you tried to say to me_**

**_And how you suffered for you sanity_**

**_And how you tried to set them free_**

**_They would not listen_**

**_They did not know how_**

**_Perhaps they'll listen now..._**

**A/N: What the hell was that? Good question!**


End file.
